Dream Journal: Anti-Nathan

I want to get this down before it fades away, I’ve forgotten most of the details of this dream but I feel that it’s very important I record it, especially with the events of last night.So as a bit of a prologue, last night I finally opened myself up and told Nathan all the things I’d been holding in for years, hardly able to face myself, and by the end of it he’d deleted and blocked me, but that doesn’t matter, what’s important is that I got it all out, and the weight has been lifted from me.There’s more, I’m sure, to get out, but I’ve taken a very healthy step in allowing myself to be furious with him, and to be honest with myself and with him.

And so, last night, after all of that was finished, I had a beautiful dream.I didn’t realize how wonderful it was until later on today, but it’s one of the clearest dreams my subconcious has ever sent me.

I was in math cla*s in high school, taught my a teacher whose first name is Trevor, of whom I wrote a nice little dirty rap song about a while back.I suppose since, thanks to my song, I’ve come to a*sociate Trevor with sexuality, it should be no surprise that the dream took place here, giving the events.It began with me sitting at my desk, and Nathan in a desk behind me.This is surprising because apart from me and Nathan being completely out of high school and never having known one another during high school (not even having been in the same state at that time), I never dream about Nathan.I can’t even remember if I’ve ever had another one.I used to be upset that I didn’t dream about him when we were together.I thought it was strange that I should not have dreams about someone I was supposed to be in love with.Oh the red flags were just everywhere, and I kept mysef so oblivious to them.

But back to the dream.Nathan was sitting behind me.He had some things with him.I don’t remember what they were, but I seem to think that they all represented different periods in our relationship, or rather, since our relationship never really evolved or grew much beyond emotion surrounded by abuse, different time periods that we were together.The very last thing he showed me was a picture he’d taken of the cover of Florence + the Machine’s album Lungs, on his carpet (though it was really huge, like poster size), and was comparing it to the official cover and we were noticing the similarities in the patterns of the carpet and the patterns in the curtain behind Florence.I knew that these were symbols, this wasn’t some interpretation afterward, I knew that Florence being there was a representation of when we discovered her music.I remember that he was being his normal self, saying things that hurt my feelings but taking no notice, just generally being an a*s.

And then at some point he and I were kneeling the back of the room to get math books from the shelf, and he said something that had the words «my boyfriend» or something in it, but the key word was «boyfriend,» and he said it very loud, in fact I may be imagining this afterward but it may even have echoed, and people in the rows in front of us were all turning around to look and see what he was talking about.I asked him not to say that so loud (apparently I didn’t want everyone to know we were gay, I was afraid of what might happen to us), but he said he didn’t care, quite loudly.

And then at some point during the dream I ended up naked, on top of a desk with one of the guys who had turned around to look at us when Nathan had said boyfriend.I don’t know if the other people were still in the room, I think they were, they just weren’t taking notice of us and we weren’t taking notice of them.And me and this guy, we were laying, me on top of him, naked on the desk, and we were humping each other, and I genuinely felt it coming from him that he wanted me, that he cared for me, that he was happy we were doing this.And then there were the details about him that I didn’t come to really notice and put into perspective until after the dream was over:

His body felt almost exactly like Nathan’s.The position we were in, where our cocks were, the size and shape of his body, it was almost identical to Nathan’s.And whenever I thought to myself how similar his body was to Nathan’s is when things started to happen to show me that he was unlike Nathan, for instance I started biting his nipples really hard and pulling on them, and he loved it, whereas Nathan hates that.He wanted me, I felt it coming from him truthfully that he wanted me and he was enjoying this, where with Nathan that was not generally the case about anything in our relationhip.His cock was similar to Nathan’s, but it was cut, and Nathan is uncut.This guy was mexican, and Nathan is white.And I think there was even a mention at some point of this guy topping me, whereas Nathan is almost exclusively a bottom.

He was the anti-Nathan, he was everything that Nathan was not.My subconcious was showing me this, and it makes me so happy to think about it, it makes me smile.The night that I overcame Nathan, I had this dream that even involved Nathan, he was in the room with us, and I found myself pa*sionately engaged with this guy who was Nathan’s counterpart, his opposite who was so similar to him.

It was, as my friend Jason told me when I explained this dream to him, my psyche bringing balance to my concious mind.It was a healing symbol.And I am healed, and I am healing, and the weight that was on me for so long has been in great part lifted from me.I am beyond happy that I had this dream.

And the dream isn’t the only thing, other things are happening in my life that are showing me that I’m achieving growth and moving forward.I’ve started college, I’m making more money working with my mother, someone who was very important to me years ago has come back into my life and I may have the chance to begin a beautiful friendship with him, another new person has entered my life who I can see the potential to have a beautiful friendship with, and these people all live around here and I can see them in person.Things are looking up for me.

Turning the Corner